Seriously? Who has time for this shit?

Whilst trolling the internet over the past few weeks, I have become painfully aware that when it comes to all things Halloween, I am definitely failing as a mother. The number of Facebook posts, Tweets and Pinterest pins of adorable Halloween ideas for kids is astonishing and my having no part in any of it, prompts me to ask the question “who has time for this shit?”

Just yesterday, one of my favorite blogs, Red Tricycle featured an article entitled:  Adorable Lunch Ideas for Halloween and to be honest, it made me want to blow my brains out. Not because it didn’t feature the cutest little spooky lunch ideas I had ever seen, but because that very morning I had struggled to make my son a regular old bagel with cream cheese for his, very un-spooky lunch.  This post, (as seen in the photo courtesy of redtri.com) actually suggested making mini coffins out of pumpernickel bread and a Frankenstein head out of kiwi, two things you will never find in my kitchen.

The person who created this, and the four other Adorable Lunch Ideas for Halloween, must know that being the parent of a child who is in their target demographic, means that you have just enough time to read the instructions, but never enough time, or patience for that matter, to actually make said craft/baking/costume etc.

I can only assume that posts like this are intended to serve as a kind of porn for parents. You know the kind of activities that we fantasize about doing with our kids but will never actually do.  Instead we watch other people do it by means of step by step photos and “how to” videos, which in a very odd way, allow us to metaphorically get off.  Why just the other day when I came across a post for a very cool skull pumpkin design, I sat there for a good ten minutes looking at the pictures and imagined creating it with my kids, and just like that, I was done.  I was satisfied with the work that I put into it and understood that this particular activity, was not for me to pursue any further.

This is not to say that there isn’t anyone out there that will ever make the Adorable Lunch Ideas for Halloween or the cool skull pumpkin. A handful of superior parents will. It’s just that, as with real porn, despite the fact that the majority of the population will never do what they see on the screen they are, none-the-less, fulfilled by watching others who do it better, do all of the work.

So tomorrow, instead of looking up how to make spooky spaghetti or mummy crackers for my son’s lunch, I am going to remind myself that I am not that kind of mom and instead just write the word “Boo!” on the outside of his brown paper bag.  And if that doesn’t scare him, the smell from the tuna fish sandwich made with the questionable mayo certainly should do the trick.