The very last place a child will throw up.

At the risk of sounding like a wife who is constantly calling her husband out, I’d like to take this opportunity to once again, call my husband out. According to him and not surprisingly backed up by his mother, he is part of an elite group of men and women who all claim they are somehow more intolerant to vomit than the rest of us.  A group of people for whom the very sound of throwing up sends them into a state of complete and total hysteria, rendering them virtually useless. I am reminded of this fact every time either of my kids blow chunks.  Before the first drop hits the floor, my husband is running for the hills dry-heaving and leaving me, of course, to clean it up.  Luckily for him and our wall-to-wall carpeting, I do.

You may know someone like him, hell, you may be someone like him and as sympathetic as I am to your plight, I’m going to have to call bullshit.  The truth is; no one likes puke.  There is not a single person on the planet who can be within 10 feet of vomit and not want to hurl themselves. You are not special.  Delusional? Yes, but special? No.  Sure, there are some superhuman folks, like nurses and perhaps your college roommate who may have built up a bit more of a tolerance for the sight, sound and smell of it, but that doesn’t mean that you should be excluded from dealing with it because you are somehow more “sensitive” to puke. It’s kind of like saying that you are unique because you’re “sensitive” to violence against puppies, last time I checked, that was a pretty universal sensitivity.

So to my husband and anyone else out there who is dealing with this terrible affliction, I say this: stop being such a puss.  When it comes to parenting, puke is just part of the equation.  If you haven’t already been vomited on at least once, then it’s probably going to happen today.  Do your partner a favor and at least try to help.  You may not be able to get your hands dirty the first few times but eventually, you too will develop a tolerance for puke in the same way that your spouse has probably developed a tolerance for your bullshit.